Selling Yourself

I hate job interviews. It is all about selling yourself. It is about putting your best foot forward; putting on your best interview suit, having the perfect hair and makeup, having the perfect answers for those ridiculous questions they are going to ask-not to mention your resume needs to smartly list all your qualifications for this particular position in a one page format that will blow any manager's socks off.

I had a job interview today. I am not so sure I sold myself. The display just wasn't up to Neiman Marcus quality. It was more like an end-cap at Walmart.

I say this because, A) my interview suit felt a little outdated. My last job did not require me to dress to the 'Nines', and honestly, I just wore something hanging in my closet. I suppose I should go shopping for a real, stylish, interview suit. Something in navy blue, gray or black. And get some heels and maybe put on a string of pearls. Yeah, I wore brown today. With boring brown flats. Hoop earrings. B) The perfect hair didn't happen. I have not had a hair cut in about three months. I want to grow it out. Why? I don't know. I guess I like looking like a witch or something. So, shoulder length, baby-fine, gray at the roots hair, not so sharp. Yes, I did wash it and even put it up in hot rollers. The heat wilted the curl when I stepped outside to get my car. C) I forgot I was out of foundation. So I dug out what was left of the little pot and made do with what I could scrape out and powder and blush. Hmmm. D) The questions...oh man, I got tired of those after I realized my interviewer was asking the same question over and over, but just re-wording it so as to try to trick me. Or maybe she just wasn't getting the response she wanted?

Here are some of the questions....and the answers I WANTED to give, but didn't. Because I am too polite (a.k.a. chicken).

1) Why are you interested in our Accounting Position?

Because the economy really sucks right now and yours is one of the few job openings I have found that actually pertains to my area of expertise. I don't really want to drive this far for a job, but hey, I'm beginning to feel desperate. Unemployment benefits don't last forever you know.

2) Describe your job duties at your last job.

Well, I was the office manager and was in charge of accounts payable, receivables, billing, human resources, payroll, receptionist, and head doo-flunky. Of course, the last year I worked there, there may have been three checks received per week, four invoices to produce, six bills to pay, and only two other employees besides myself on payroll, so I spent most of my time reading for school or doing crossword puzzles on-line.

3. Describe a time you were challenged in your job to not lose your temper.

You see, we had this delivery person who delivered stuff to us that we had ordered and when he came in everyone in the office hid but I couldn't because I sat at the front desk and he was from Louisiana and he was very difficult to understand and he would go on and on about his pet dogs and pet cats and then he would see pictures on my desk of my kids and my cats and he would ask questions like what are their names, how are they, (not just the kids, the cats too) and then he would tell me about Poopsie who died twelve years ago and Fido who is eighteen years old and pukes up his food everyday and poops in the house but he loves him anyways and he and his wife let Fido sleep in the bed between them because they never had kids, they couldn't have kids and well, Fido was like a child to them....yeah, every time he came. It went on for at least 40 minutes each visit. I took the pictures of my kids and cats off my desk.

4. What did you do at your last job?

Hmmm. Well, I input cash received, I billed out the work we did, I paid the employees, I answered the phone. As long as it lasted.

5. Would you describe yourself as aggressive?

I don't think so. Once my boss told me what a relief it must be my Granny died, that I don't have that burden anymore. I wheeled around and said 'She was not a burden'. I felt really aggressive and ticked off. And he said, 'Did you say something?'. I said 'Excuse me. Gotta go to the bathroom'.

6. What would you say the most challenging part of your job was?

Uh, trying to stay busy and trying to look busy when I wasn't busy and trying to find something to do when I was tired of trying to look busy.

7. So, why did your boss lay you off?

Your kidding, right?